What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 1)

What exactly is high sensitivity?

If you have been told “You’re too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” “You need to toughen up,” “You need to not be so upset,” “You have no reason to be upset” or “You need to grow tougher skin,” then chances are you might actually be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Did you know that was even a thing?

If you find yourself experiencing feelings deeply, analyzing situations more than the average person, noticing small changes in the environment, picking up subtle textures, picking up smells no one seems to notice, or not being able to handle certain foods or chemicals, perhaps you might also be highly sensitive.

My first introduction to high sensitivity was through a friend. All my life, I had assumed I was “Too soft” and something was wrong with me. I even completed graduate school as a psychotherapist, got a professional psychotherapy license, and had still never heard about high sensitivity.

So if I, a therapist in Houston, wasn't taught about high sensitivity in graduate school, or during my therapy internship, don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of high sensitivity.

But once I discovered this new world of high sensitivity, I learned how to manage the trait appropriately, accept myself as a highly sensitive person and I now teach others to do the same (Click here to schedule a free discovery call if you’re ready to learn how to turn your sensitivity into your super power).

But I digress.

High sensitivity has been championed and studied for decades by Dr Elaine Aron. She came up with the high sensitivity self test. It’s a simple free online quiz you take from the comfort of your home. Based on your answers, you’ll find out how sensitive you actually are.

Please note that sensitivity is not a disorder, it is not something to be cured or changed. It defers distinctly from Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism. Sensitivity is also NOT a bad thing. It’s simply just a trait like having brown hair or green eyes. It’s neutral.

High sensitivity has 4 basic characteristics. It’s a simple acronym- DOES:

Depth of Processing

Overarousability

Emotional Intensity

Sensory Processing Sensitivity

Let’s start with Depth of Processing

Highly sensitive people tend to think about and analyze themselves, others and their environments very deeply. This could look like:

• Spending a lot of time weighing pros and cons before making decisions- hence why it’s difficult for you to make quick decisions. It’s even hard for you to pick the best brand of peanut butter when you have 60 options at the store.

• Thinking deeply about how your behavior will affect others- making you a great champion of charity causes. For example, you don’t throw trash out because you think of the consequences for the environment if everyone threw trash out of their moving cars.

• You feel a strong sense of empathy for others- hence why you’ve been called “Soft.” But this empathy is why you “Feel the emotions of others strongly.” As an anxiety therapist in Houston, TX and a high sensitivity coach, this is the part that often brings clients to me.

• You have a strong sense of intuition and you regret it when you ignore it.

How do you cope with depth of processing?

1) Give yourself some time before you make a decision: Making decisions is tough for highly sensitive people. This does not mean that you cannot make great decisions, it just means that it is more difficult to make decisions when you're under pressure, being watched, or in a time crunch.

So to make your life a lot easier, give yourself some time before making a decision. If somebody's trying to pressure you to do something now, simply let them know that you need some more time. It's a simple as that. Remember that you are in control and boundary setting is a great tool.

2) Do your research: Highly sensitive people want to make sure they come up with the perfect decision every time. Resist the urge to be perfect, and just go with good enough. I know this sounds difficult, but it's a nice way to get you to where you need to go. Before making a decision, spend some time weighing the pros and cons of different options. You could even write them out if that helps you. It gets the decision making process out of your brain and onto paper. When you can visualize something, it makes it a lot easier.

3) Take a break when you need it: When you find yourself feeling completely overwhelmed because you have too many options, then it might be time to take a break. Spend some time away from decision-making, and just go do some deep breathing and relaxation. Take a nap, watch a show, speak to a friend over the phone, pray on it, do whatever it is that it takes to take your mind off it. You are allowed to rest when you're about to make a decision.

That pretty much sums it up for the first part of high sensitivity. Does this sound familiar? Do you process the world deeply? Do you think you might be a highly sensitive person?

If you are ready to learn more about what high sensitivity actually is, so you can manage your BIG emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free breakthrough call with me.

Remember, high sensitivity is a gift. You just have to learn how to use it.

How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston

Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.

In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.

The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?

You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.

Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.

1) Acts of Service

These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.

During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.

If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.

2) Physical touch

These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.

If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.

3) Gifts

These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.

If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.

4) Words of Affirmation

These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.

5) Quality Time

As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.

If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.

If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.

If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 Romantic date ideas to rekindle the spark in your marriage

Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the dull, mundane couples therapy in Houston. It helps you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. You can be wrapped up in your world for a few hours.

You must continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.

And if the idea of planning a date scares you, breathe. Dates should tailor to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don't have to be surprised either; simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.

Here are five romantic date ideas that you and your spouse can try.

1) For food lovers: Take a culinary tour

This one is best for couples who are food. A great way to get to know other cultures is through their food. Find a mom-and-pop or traditional restaurant that serves some sort of exotic or unfamiliar cuisine. 

If you're feeling particularly explorative, you can hit 2 or 3 different restaurants, hole-in-the-wall shops, or food trucks in 1 day- hence the title "culinary tour.".

A culinary tour can cover different regions of a single country or numerous countries' cuisine in a single day. Only an empty stomach and an open mind are required.

2) For travel lovers and Wanderers: Explore a city or country that you've both been itching to go to

You and your spouse can receive your passports and travel now that the crossings are reopened. Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

If the thought of jet setting isn't an excellent idea for you, Houston relationship therapy starts by exploring a part of your city that you've never gotten a chance to explore. Or explore a nearby city or state. You learn so much more about each other when you're both wonderstruck.

 Road trips, day trips, or staycations can help scratch the traveling itch. It can also have you feeling like you're a college kid again.

3) For art lovers: Do an art tour.

There are numerous things to do here. You can take a painting class together. You can explore pottery making and glassblowing; you can visit a museum. Spend time learning about your favourite artists.

This can spark some rich conversation.

4) For creatives: Get the juices flowing.

If you are creative, do something that feels out of the box. You can join a book club and engage in knowledge sharing. You can also go to an escape room and enjoy teamwork. 

It can even involve watching a documentary that sparks some intellectual conversation.

Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

5) For nature lovers: Go outside.

Go on a hike, take a botany class together. To learn how to make flower arrangements, go to the botanical gardens, the aquarium, or an animal shelter together. 

 Dates do not have to be cliche or boring. Try new things all the time and see the world together.

Couples counseling Houston helps married couples improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution if they want to learn how to communicate effectively with their husband or wife. Click to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse after a big fight

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

During this time out, your goal is to cool off. So, no thinking about how awful your husband is (you know you have those thoughts, but I won’t judge you). No cursing him out under your breath (you know you do that also). Just cool off by focusing on something else.

Schedule a time to talk with your spouse

After you feel like you've been able to sort through your feelings, and calm down, reach out to your spouse and make an appointment. Appointments don’t sound sexy, but this will ensure that both of you can talk at a time in which neither of you is busy or distracted.

Before you have this conversation, know that the goal of the conversation is NOT to prove that you’re right. It’s to get over the hump and prevent this issue from rearing its ugly head in the future.

Got it?

Start with talking about your feelings (or your spouse’s feelings)

Before we dive in, note that I utilize the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s research backed and it works!)

Let’s jump in.

In this conversation, there has to be a speaker and a listener. The listener’s job is to listen, understand and empathize with the speaker. It’s an active process. You can’t be a good listener while actively cursing your spouse out in your head or trying to come up with reasons why he’s wrong.

Use actual feeling words like angry, sad, upset, lonely, etc. This helps your spouse better understand what is going on in your mind. Here’s a link to the feelings wheel to help you pinpoint your emotions.

When your spouse talks about his feelings, simply listen. Don’t try to talk about yours until he’s done with his role as speaker. Also, do not try to convince him that his feelings are false.

Talk about your perspective on the issue

Summarize what you think happened during the argument. Stick to “I” statements. Try not to blame him or point the finger.

Here’s an example of a good “I” statement:

“Earlier today, when we came into the house, I felt ignored when I saw you on the phone.”

Here’s a bad example of an “I” statement:

“Earlier today when we came into the house, you were ignoring me as usual by staring at your stupid phone. You’re addicted to the phone and you have a problem.”

Talk about what triggered you during the incident or leading up to the incident

Arguments often happen because of unmet needs or triggers. So this is your opportunity to invite your spouse into your internal world. Avoid assuming that “He should know” what bugs you.

Perhaps you were already tired. Maybe you felt ignored. Maybe you had to remind him for the 7th time.

Let him know your triggers, but say it nicely.

Acknowledge your role in the communication breakdown

Talk about at least 1 thing you did to increase the miscommunication. Maybe you snapped. Maybe you were impatient. Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

Here’s the time for self reflection.

What can your spouse do to prevent this from happening in the future?

Watch your tone here. Be respectful but honest. Let him know what he can do differently next time so that he does not push your buttons.

The best marriages come from a place of humility, hardwork and a willingness to listen.

If you’re ready to move your marriage from a place or constant disagreements, to a place of great communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I am a Black marriage therapist in Houston who provides couples counseling throughout Texas and California. I also provide Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

7 validation statements that could seriously save your marriage

Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.

So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.

What role does validation play in a marriage?

It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.

So how do you validate in marriage?

Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.

Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:

1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.

2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.

3) I can see why you feel that way.

4) That sounds very difficult.

5) How can I support you?

6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?

As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.

If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse emotionally to keep your marriage fresh

When you have been married for a while, it sometimes can feel like your marriage is stale. You get so busy with chores, kids, career, and taking care of the home, that it’s easy to lose your connection. But don’t lose hope. It is possible to reconnect with your spouse, even if your marriage is feeling dead. 

Here are some simple tips to build a strong emotional connection in your marriage. And the great thing is, it doesn’t even have to take all of your time.

When I work with couples during marriage counseling in Houston, I tell them that it is important to have specific rituals that connect you and your spouse. When you don’t have these, married life becomes mundane. Think back to when you were growing up. What important rituals did you and your family share? Or what rituals do you wish you and your family shared? Now is the time to create a family that feels cohesive.

Here are some important rituals to begin in your marriage:

1)    Marriage rituals about leave taking

When you are in a busy marriage, it can be very simple to just run out the door in the morning without actually saying goodbye. You won’t believe how many couples who are in marriage counseling in Houston who leave the house without talking to their spouse.

It’s important to give your spouse a proper good bye every single time you leave the house. And it only takes 30 seconds.

Think about what will feel really good to you as well as your spouse. It can be a hug, a kiss, holding their hand and letting them know that you’ll be back. It could be a fist bump. It does not even have to be anything formal.

If you want to be a little bit spicy, it can be a butt tap, a wink, or a head nod. Don’t be afraid to shake up your marriage. Speak to your spouse about what they would like to see happen when either of you is leaving the home. Something so little, helps to sustain the emotional connection between the two of you.

2)    Marriage rituals about coming back home

After a busy day, it feels so amazing to walk into the home and see a wonderful smile on your spouse’s face. Sometimes we get so incredibly busy, that we forget to actually greet our spouse when they come home after a long day.

No matter what is going on in your day, when your spouse gets home, try and take the effort to actually take a pause, smile, and maybe even give your spouse a hug and a kiss. This might seem very foreign to start with, but as you get used to doing this, they begin to feel appreciated. And when they feel appreciated, chances are they’ll begin to reciprocate this ritual when you get home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get a hero’s welcome every time you walk through the door? This is another important skill I teach during couples therapy in Houston.

3)    Marriage rituals about meals

Everyone has to eat right? It appears that family dinners are getting fewer and far between. I’m pretty old fashioned, and so I really appreciate being able to sit together as a family and just talk. And yes, I do sometimes suggest family meals during relationship therapy sessions in Houston. Try it sometime.

You can even set the table, make it pretty, put the phones away and just have a conversation that involves eye contact and real connection. Of course, setting the table is not compulsory, but it’s a nice touch.

You can even have rituals around eating out. How often do you want to eat out as a family? Where would you like to go? What type of scene would you like to set? This can be used as an opportunity to catch up on the day and forget about all the worries of the world. During this moment, only you and your family matter.

4)    Marriage rituals around dates

Even if you and your spouse have been married for a long time, it is still important to date and pursue each other. Every woman likes to be pursued, and every man loves to pamper his woman. This helps to keep things fresh and exciting. Nobody wants a stale marriage. Have a conversation with your spouse around having regular dates. By the way, dates do not have to be expensive or lavish.

But it is important to be able to take some time away from the kids if possible and just connect. If you cannot get childcare, then plan a simple date when the kids are in bed. This could involve a simple meal, an at home picnic, movie night- it really doesn’t matter what you pick. The most important thing is being able to share some uninterrupted time together.

5)    Marriage rituals about holidays

The holidays are a great time to build family memories and to strengthen togetherness. Have another conversation with your spouse around how you would like to celebrate holidays that are important to you.

Will there be specific foods cooked? Who will cook the food? Will you cook it together? Would you be ordering it? What types of activities will be present during the holidays? Whom will you invite? Plan an entire event so that both of you remain on the same page. The goal is for holidays to bring up happy, connected memories for the both of you.

6)    Marriage rituals about sex

We all know that sex is super important in a marriage. It helps create a deeper connection between partners. The problem is many couples do not feel comfortable actually talking about sex. Talk about how often you want to have sex, when and where you would like to have sex (the bedroom isn’t the only place for sex, wink, wink), and what you enjoy. Remember, you are partners, and you both deserve pleasure.

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage? Please share so we can all learn.

If you are ready to move your marriage from a place of constant disagreement, to a place of agreement, deeper communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black marriage counselor in Houston who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout Texas. I am also a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.